Ok, so yesterday right before I take off from work, I start feeling funky. Reminds me of how my sis describes how she feels when her blood sugar is low. And it hits me. This is really for real. Really. Are you sure? Yes. Now I am. It's hard to accept something like this when you've been healthy all your life. Denial is so easy. Sure, I've had plenty of tests, some came back suspect of one serious thing or another, but after taking lots more, I was OK. I always knew I was OK because I never felt like it would be otherwise. My body never gave me any clues or indications that there was something wrong. I got used to hearing, "Just a false positive, better to be safe than sorry." This time it's different. I don't feel right and the tests are saying that too. There's been no "It's OK, nothing to worry about." There won't be. This is not as serious as a lot of things other folks have been through, but this is serious - for me.
Which leads me to this: I've finally figured out why I really can't get serious about the exercise thing. I'm scared. I'm scared to accept the fact that I really might be diabetic after all and my whole world will change. I'm scared to admit I'm not as healthy as I've always been (or thought I was). I don't want to admit that in neglecting my health and ignoring my doctor's warning to lose weight for the last 10 or so years, I have done this to myself. Yeah, genetics had something to do with it, but it's mostly my fault. Somewhere deep inside my mind, I'm thinking that if I ignore it, this will all go away and "Be OK after all" just like everything else was...right. I'm scared to exercise because that is the final thing that shows I admit there's something wrong.
So now I've had this big revelation and I'm admitting this is real - something is wrong. So now what? I'll let you know on Monday whether things really have sunk in or not. I still have to accept it. I also have to accept that it's OK for it to be just about me and the whole world will not fall apart if I step out of it for a while and just take care of me. And that's really hard when you've spent all of your adult life taking care of everyone and everything else.